As the all important Champions League T20 tournament comes to an end — Okay, Okay, I was only kidding. I am a bit jaded with all the T20 matches going on and finding it hard to keep up. Especially, with Ejaz Butt issuing statements left and right and not knowing who took what money where, it has become doubly tough to keep your head straight about all the goings on in Cricket these days.
However, I found just enough time away from the twitter and blog barrage coming out of the spotfixing controversy to look over at the CLT20. All he international teams with the unknown players, its always interesting go through the squad lists and check out for stats that really stand out. Or, squad pages where the photographs look like they put them together just before the teams took the field. In my opinion, the Central Districts page is extremely funny (in a very unprofessional sense) but JRod thinks Pakistan’s page pwns all other squad profiles. Oh well.
One thing that caught my eye during my CLT20 perusing was names of some of the players. There are some interesting ones. Nothing of the magnitude of Dwayne Leverock who was immovable as the rock itself. I put together a list of names and imagined what they might be up to on the field and if not for cricket, what they might be doing in their regular 9-5 lives. Without further ado, here is the list of names that is way better than any list of names that you can come up with. (As always, all of this is made up and there is no truth to it. At all. Not one bit. I like to keep it that way. As you can tell, my only goal in life is to impress Ijaz Butt with my ability to make up shit, like he always does.)
Jamie How – Captain, Central Districts. Jamie made an appearnace as an answer to the perennial question of who is gonna be made the sacrificial lamb up the order before the actual batsmen like Vettori, Ross Taylor step in and play. With his technique, he always astounded you, “how did How get in to the squad?” or “How has How managed to have a cricketing career as a batsman?”.. there are just too many questions. Far too little answers. In fact, so many that we have decided to replace his last name with a symbol – “?”. He would be the “Prince” (TAFKAP if you prefer that instead) of Cricket. Brian Lara and Ashwell be damned, I say!
Michael Klinger – Captain, South Australia. He is such a delight for the cricket editors world wide. When he batted in the CLT20 with such authority belieoing his pre-tournament form, headline writers drooled over the possibility of writing “Michael helps SA Kling on for victory.” On a side note, he has been rumored to have auditioned for a walk on role in the Star Trek movie as a native Klingon speaker.
David Hussey – Victoria. From urban dictionary, definition of a Hussey is, “Used to describe an attractive girl, often one that is a few years younger than ones self. Girl must be young and not particularly smart, but also
flirtatious and appealing and have friends that are older guys. In this meaning, the word does not in anyway mean that the girl is a slut or anything of that nature”. Need I say more?
George Worker – Central Districts. A capable middle order bat, George works his butt off to stay in the squad. If not on the cricket field, he gets a sex change operation and cruises to his/her beehive and hangs out with the queen.
Here comes the meat and breakfast of the team, Shane Burger (Highveld Lions) and Robin Uthappa (Royal Challengers Banglaore). In not only providing the beef in the middle order, they have that ability to come up the order like your first meal of the day but can also provide the clean finish you need. On off days, they can be expected to hang out at your local food joints with buddies fries and chutney.
Brad Patton – Central Districts. Brad typefies the ferocity and aggressiveness that his great, grand father General Patton displayed during World War II. In his free time, Brad gives rousing speeches and writes poems incorporating “Through a glass, Darkly“.
Jonathan Foo – Guyana. Easily the winner for the coolest name in cricket award, he elicited mentions from “Dada” himself during a pre-match analysis that Jonny Foo belongs in a Bruce Lee movie rather than a cricket field. As incredibly racist as that may sound to you [since Foo is of Asian origin], let’s move on. During the off-season, Jonny moonlights as Mr. T and smacks people down with the words, “I pity the Foo”.
JJ Smuts – Warriors. Jon Jon with his sexy little gig as the left-arm orthodox spinner, does pretty much everything in unorthodox manner. The seam positions when he bowls are missionary and doggie. Sometimes, he induces so much side spin, he bowls people through the back door.
Lonwabo Lopsy TsoTsobe – Warriors. Though Lonwabo is recorded as a left arm fast bowler, he is only tso tso. In his time off the feld, he promotes the various teas produced and sold by the South Beach Beverage Company.
Garnett Kruger – Warriors. Garnett with his little known middle name “Freddy” mows down the opposition nbatsmen with his fast medium bowling. He even appears in their nightmares and knocks them off, in some kind of alternate universe, scary version of “inception” twist which dismisses them in real world as well.
12th Man: Dillon du Preez – DdP Playing for RCB confuses the hell out of everybody. Should we call him “Dillon” like Matt Dillon or like the rapper “Jermaine Dupri”? He gets bonus points for he has a female namesake (Total bombshell, I might add) that plays cricket as well. In his future, he could have a TV talk show called “Shooting the breeze with Dillon Du Preez”.