Applying to be Pakistan Head Coach

Dear Mr. Intikhab Alam,

This is in response to the advertisement announcing the PCB is looking for a Head Coach to the Pakistan National Team. I am happy to say I would really love to apply for the job and if selected Insha’Allah, would dedicate myself completely to the job.

The fact that you are looking for coaches from inside as well as outside Pakistan is very heartwarming. I most certainly satisfy the “outside Pakistan” criterion, and in fact, that is the only criterion I actually satisfy but that should be enough, no?


I do not have any prior “professional” cricket coaching experience but I don’t think that should be held against me. Look at Tim Nielsen while he was the coach of Australia. Or his predecessor John Buchanan. Anybody with half a brain could have “coached” a team with Shane Warne, Adam Gilchrist, Ricky Ponting and Glenn McGrath.

Although, I must admit – and I say this with utmost modesty – a group of college students near to where I live, wanted to have me as their coach. You don’t have to pay attention to the fact that they were doing it to just satisfy some administrative technicality. However, you should note that I am flexible that way.

I have played plenty of cricket in my life and I grew up in the subcontinent, so I should be able to easily adapt to the lifestyle in Pakistan. I speak fluent Hindi which puts me ahead of any “outside Pakistan” candidates that might apply.

I admire Shahid Afridi’s hair. I think that set of hair should be put in Hair Hall of Fame alongside Elvis Presley, Ronald Reagan and Rajinikanth. I have no issues with his posturing like Andrew Flintoff after taking a wicket even though he doesn’t pay Freddie any copyright fee, which I am sure the post-cricketing Freddie is very keen on.

I believe Sachin Tendulkar should have been declared LBW in that match. I do also believe that Aaqib Javed’s hattrick was totally earned and it had nothing to do with umpiring irregularities errors. I also believe Pakistan won all the matches against India in Sharjah, fair and square.

Unlike any of the “outside Pakistan” candidates that may apply, I have played plenty of gulli cricket, tape ball cricket and also seen plenty of bent elbows natural talent. Since I already understand the national talent pool of Pakistan, I’ll be quite adept at identifying and bringing in young talent.

Lastly, I want to say I completely support religious leanings of any of the players. In fact, to express my solidarity, I have started growing a beard. I have only been growing since I saw the PCB advertisement. So, it is more of a stubble than a full Saqlain beard but knowing the pace at which things move in PCB, by the time you call me in for the interview (you will, won’t you?) it should be of respectable size.

Thank you for the opportunity.

Sincerely yours,

The Cricket Couch

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